Life continues to move at a fast clip. I'm hoping I can keep up.

I won't get into all the gorey details, but last night's power outage re-affirmed my belief that we have to shut down the house for the winter season. The short story goes like this... at 12:54 a.m. I woke up from a dream, noted the time (blazing red numerals on the electric clock), turned over and fell back asleep. Then as I was asleep I thought, "Something's not right." I woke up looked at the clock and well, there was no clock. I couldn't figure out how much time had past since I last checked the time. "Damn it, we've lost power." I stumbled around in the dark looking for my cell phone. When I located it, I noted the time, "1:00." I'd been asleep for 6 minutes. Then I went through a bit of an ordeal trying to figure out what the heck happened. Around 1:45 I got the recorded message at the phone company letting me know what I already knew, there was a power outage but the good news was: estimated time power would be restored -- 4 a.m.

Then I climbed into bed and started thinking (of course). My first thoughts were that if the power didn't come back on I had to be up at 5:30 to go pick apples and that I would not be having a shower or breakfast but since it was my last day picking apples I planned on showing up on-time, dirty and hungry.

Then I turned to other thoughts. I was glad it was 44 degrees outside so that the pipes wouldn't freeze. I thought about 9/11 and this small power outage reminded me that I'm not prepared and that folks in general are not prepared. (I almost feel like taking "prepared to another level -- Prepared to accept the Host? Prepared to receive Salvation? But let's save that for another day. Shall we?) I do not have my disaster kit in order. Which means that next season I will have it ready. Although if the temp gets too low, won't the water that I've set aside freeze? It's also time to get the wood stove and the outhouse in working order. Life in the country...

But more than anything -- and I think that this speaks volumes about who I am and where my head is at -- I was really frustrated by my current relationships. I feel that they're not where they should be and this ticks me off. Mind you I wasn't kicking myself so much as prodding myself to wonder about what I can do to improve things. As far as I'm concerned, paying the bills and having enough food and drinking water to get through 3 days of no-power is all well and good but do I really want to die (or live) without having my emotional life and my close personal relationships in good order?

The answer is, No.

Luckily Cara called at 2 am, just as the power was restored and as I was fully awake and wearing all my clothes and down jacket, lying on the comforter on my bed and we ended up having a very long chat about all my swirling thoughts.

As I return to NYC I've got enough money to get me through a couple of months. (Thank you Bob, Sholan Farms, and Johnny Applesed!) And as I return, top on my list is what can I do to strengthen my relationships? Of course, relationships tend to require that both parties want to engage in strengthening, so I'll be strengthening the relationships I can with those who want to join me in emotional fitness workouts.

There seems to be clutter in my head. (Actually this morning, as I was picking apples I decided, "You're full of shit.") I have some really bad habits but they roll at a very deep level. I'm going to grab my headlamp and descend into the caverns of my mind and I'll bring some trial mix and my stainless steel canteen (filled with water) and I'm going to find those annoy traits and I'm going to alter them. Actually, I think it's better to bargain with them and perhaps find a working compromise. I don't think that we're supposed to get rid of stuff. I've always noticed that when I go to get rid of bad habits they have a way of re-appearing in an even stronger, more destructive, form than when I just let them wreak havoc.

I've decided that life is a journey and an adventure. In one month's time I'll turn 43 and I think I've got another 50 years to go (I'm basing this on the fact that Nana (my father's mother) died this year at age 97). Even if I only have another 40 years to go, that's still a long time and I cannot and will not abide by having this junk f*cking up my relationships.

Of course, the monkey wrench in the works -- karma. Perhaps some people have come and gone because that was all they were supposed to do. No matter how deeply I loved, or hated them, they're gone and that's that. So I guess it's more the folks who have stuck around that I've got to consider.

I feel pretty good about returning to New York City. I'm still curious if I can maintain my hearfelt peace or if the smog, crowded subways, and alternate side street parking will jam me up and I'll revert to the cranky person I was in days of yore.

We shall see. Won't we?