Last night as I was drowning my sorrow in alcohol and Isabelle Huppert, I had to stop and think about what I was doing. Somewhere in the midgst of vieiwing Violette I realized that instead of drowning my sorrows I should be celebrating life. As soon as I had that thought I adjusted my mindset and made myself hit pause, cook something healthful (steamed organic brocolli and cauliflower, and polish off the awesome pumpkin custrad I've become addicted to) then I returned to alcohol/DVD.

In some ways my mindshift was prompted by something Robert Thurman said at Death and Dying IV. He was talking about the way people use drugs or alcohol to knock themselves out but that, "They're afraid of the final knock out [death]." When he said that I thought of my years as an alcoholic and the years when I was using too many drugs and I thought, "Ah, so I was being a wimp." I was numbing myself to the fear of the final knockout. Who knew?

Last night it occurred to me that it's ok to be upset about Julian's death but I can't let it go on too long bc then I've lost the point, or I've lost what I perceive to be the point. The point is to respond to things in the appropriate manner and then [get back in the saddle] and live as fiercely as possible.

And now for a tiny digression about Violette. Isabelle Huppert was as awesome as always (I Heart Huckabees not withstanding). BUT. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Staphane Audran played the mother. Stephane Audran is right up there with Jeanne Moreau. I can't decide if Claude Chabrol is lazy or expects the audience to be intelligent. My understanding is that Violette was supposed to be a school girl and yet we never see her in school and so it was a little odd to only see her in cafes, hotel rooms, and the cramped apartment she shared with her parents. I wouldn't have minded one or two sceens of her juxtaposed against a schoolyard and then cavorting. All of that being said, if you like Chabrol (& I do) then you'll probably like this film. If you like Isabelle Huppert than you'll not be able to take your eyes off the screen.

The call of the wild.

About Fitzcarraldo:
"...Blank interviews members of the cast and crew, including the impoverished Indian extras, and captures the troubles of the seemingly cursed production, but his interviews with Herzog are the focal point of the film. "If I abandon this project," Herzog explains at one point, "I would be a man without dreams, and I never want to live like that. I live my life or I end my life with this project." ~ Josh Ralske, All Movie Guide All Movie Guide

About myself:
I'm living with a fair amount of agony in the wake of Julian's death. His suicide is yet another wake up call. This one will not go unheeded.

In 2 days I will embark on a month's-long project to finish a novel I began a while ago.

I'm leaving my job. I'll be living off savings. (But I've done this before.) I am living without fear. I wish I could say I'm living without sadness but that would be silly. Sadness isn't bad it's just that right now it pervades my being and weighs on my heart. And there is this ache in my body. I think my emotional body and my authentic self are screaming at me to get away from the square world, to leap headlong into the creative process.To delve deeper into my faith. This is the call of the wild.

I am ready.

Did you hear me?

I am ready.

There is no turning back. There is no treading water. To borrow from Herzog: "I would be a man without dreams, and I never want to live like that."

No more living without dreams.

Tonight: I'll drown my sorrow in alcohol and Isabelle Huppert. Well, not the actual woman. (Can you imagine?) I'll watch: Violette.

Lat night I drowned my sorrow in vodka, beer, and Andrew's cooking, after I invited myself over to his place.

Andrew and I spoke candidly about death. I told him I'd like to live to see more days but I'm ready to go.

He said, clutching the sofa cushion to illustrate hanging on for Dear Life, "I'm the sort of person who doesn't want to go. Sign me up for all the experimental treatments. I don't want to go."

I almost envy him. But then we argued about what's on the other side. I told him it's so beautiful and glorious there's no reason to fear death. He wasn't buying it. He said, "You're wrong." I shouted, "I hope I see you on the other side, just so I can say: See! I told you so." Can you imagine?

I plan to get the last laugh on him on this one.

It's really not death and dying that bothers me, it's how do I get through another day? How do I make the most of life? Or how do I accept what I've got an realize that whatever today was, that was the most of it?

Arrrgh!

To the wild life! The only one worth living.

Change Your Mind

Dude. I'm sorry we let you down.

I've been wanting to blog but I've been having trouble finding my old-self lately.

But let me back up a smidge and get to the heart of why I feel like shit. The boifriend of my friend T committed suicide 2 weeks ago. And I'm going to have to be very clear about many things. First I'll start with my relationship to Julian. I hardly knew the guy but I've been freinds wtih T for almsot 10 years and when I saw the two of them together, a month ago, I noticed that she was in-love and it was nice to see her in-love. I'd never seen her like that before.

Julian lived with his fair share of troubles -- chief among them, he had Multiple sclerosis. I have no idea what it feels like to live with MS.

But when I start to think of cataloging all the things that bothered Julian, beyond the MS: bills to pay, finding a new apartment, wanting to work but not wanting to lose his Disablity benefits, arguing with T -- I feel like, the MS not withstanding, he was a lot like the rest of us. When he stepped out of the house didn't he step into a world of company?

The reason I say this is that T told me that his last words to her were, "I have nothing. You can't understand."

But Julian. No one has anything. Really.

I have nothing. I've got a lot of bills. I've got a job (so I can pay my bills). I'm currently without healthcare.

And of material possessions. Does a DVD collection really count as having something?

No.

When Julian said, "I have nothing. You can't understnad." I think he meant that he'd lost his connection to the good in himself. And I won't speculate as to how that happened. I'm going to accept it at face value.

Some years ago I had a friend who was suicidal. She threatened taking her life. I took her seriously. Over the course of a month I'd spend hours discussing why she didn't want to live and why she should live. It was exhausting. Eventually, as she was a British subject, I convinved her to buy a plane ticket and go back to London and check herself into hospital. She complied.

But in having talked with her all those hours, I know that when she told me how and why she was unhappy --she meant it. I never tried to tell her to be happy. I just wanted her to see that maybe someday she might not want to kill herself and that she owed it to herself to try to see that day. People who have reached the end of their belief in living rarely mince words.

I have to believe Julian.

And because I believe him I feel like shit. Another queer took his life. I feel like the entire society let Julian, and continues to let those like him, down. What good is a healthcare system that's only available to those who can afford it? Why do Disability payments have to be all or nothing?

A person with MS will live through good periods and bad periods.

I have another friend who is a social worker. She works in a shelter for battered woman. And I guess a couple of these women living in the shelter aren't that nice.

But no one ever said that people in need have to be nice people.

People in need deserve to be cared for. End of story.

But this brings me to my next point. Julian was a generous guy. Every person at his memorial service said he was generous with his time and heart. So not only did we lose someone to suicide, we lost a sensitive, caring, giving person.

Apparently he was very stubborn and I have a suspicion that he was hiding his pain and suffering from those around him as as not to be a burden to them.

People. We're here for each other. Our motto should be: burden me. And we should mean it. Let our loved ones come to us with their troubles. And you know -- some people are gonna exhaust you with their needs and demands. But who's to say you won't have to lean, hard, on someone some day?

I have a friend in the country and he says, "People are going to look back at this period in history and say we were unkind." And I have to agree with him. Except I don't have to look back any farther than yesterday to note how unkind the world is. And sure there are people giving time, money, volunteer hours etc to make the lives of those around them better. But until the day when there are NO homeless people living in my subway station I won't be patting myself on the back. (For the record I've got a homeless woman living in the station and a homeless man (who is wicked obnoxious, especially when he's drunk) living at the top of the stairs to the station. As far as I'm concerned both of these people deserve housing, food, and medical care. And if they can't provide it for themselves, then it should be provided for them.

I guess I feel like shit bc I'm sorrowful for the loss of Julian and for this pathetic system of which I'm a part and of which I feel powerless to effect lasting change.

Ok. Now I'm cranky and sad.

Interesting

c'est la vie.

Urban beekeepers do not have to worry about bears. And they should thank their lucky stars for that.

I'll write more in the near future on this...suffice to say a bear got my 3 hives. Not a lick of honey left and hive parts scattered across the pasture.