Dude. I'm sorry we let you down.

I've been wanting to blog but I've been having trouble finding my old-self lately.

But let me back up a smidge and get to the heart of why I feel like shit. The boifriend of my friend T committed suicide 2 weeks ago. And I'm going to have to be very clear about many things. First I'll start with my relationship to Julian. I hardly knew the guy but I've been freinds wtih T for almsot 10 years and when I saw the two of them together, a month ago, I noticed that she was in-love and it was nice to see her in-love. I'd never seen her like that before.

Julian lived with his fair share of troubles -- chief among them, he had Multiple sclerosis. I have no idea what it feels like to live with MS.

But when I start to think of cataloging all the things that bothered Julian, beyond the MS: bills to pay, finding a new apartment, wanting to work but not wanting to lose his Disablity benefits, arguing with T -- I feel like, the MS not withstanding, he was a lot like the rest of us. When he stepped out of the house didn't he step into a world of company?

The reason I say this is that T told me that his last words to her were, "I have nothing. You can't understand."

But Julian. No one has anything. Really.

I have nothing. I've got a lot of bills. I've got a job (so I can pay my bills). I'm currently without healthcare.

And of material possessions. Does a DVD collection really count as having something?

No.

When Julian said, "I have nothing. You can't understnad." I think he meant that he'd lost his connection to the good in himself. And I won't speculate as to how that happened. I'm going to accept it at face value.

Some years ago I had a friend who was suicidal. She threatened taking her life. I took her seriously. Over the course of a month I'd spend hours discussing why she didn't want to live and why she should live. It was exhausting. Eventually, as she was a British subject, I convinved her to buy a plane ticket and go back to London and check herself into hospital. She complied.

But in having talked with her all those hours, I know that when she told me how and why she was unhappy --she meant it. I never tried to tell her to be happy. I just wanted her to see that maybe someday she might not want to kill herself and that she owed it to herself to try to see that day. People who have reached the end of their belief in living rarely mince words.

I have to believe Julian.

And because I believe him I feel like shit. Another queer took his life. I feel like the entire society let Julian, and continues to let those like him, down. What good is a healthcare system that's only available to those who can afford it? Why do Disability payments have to be all or nothing?

A person with MS will live through good periods and bad periods.

I have another friend who is a social worker. She works in a shelter for battered woman. And I guess a couple of these women living in the shelter aren't that nice.

But no one ever said that people in need have to be nice people.

People in need deserve to be cared for. End of story.

But this brings me to my next point. Julian was a generous guy. Every person at his memorial service said he was generous with his time and heart. So not only did we lose someone to suicide, we lost a sensitive, caring, giving person.

Apparently he was very stubborn and I have a suspicion that he was hiding his pain and suffering from those around him as as not to be a burden to them.

People. We're here for each other. Our motto should be: burden me. And we should mean it. Let our loved ones come to us with their troubles. And you know -- some people are gonna exhaust you with their needs and demands. But who's to say you won't have to lean, hard, on someone some day?

I have a friend in the country and he says, "People are going to look back at this period in history and say we were unkind." And I have to agree with him. Except I don't have to look back any farther than yesterday to note how unkind the world is. And sure there are people giving time, money, volunteer hours etc to make the lives of those around them better. But until the day when there are NO homeless people living in my subway station I won't be patting myself on the back. (For the record I've got a homeless woman living in the station and a homeless man (who is wicked obnoxious, especially when he's drunk) living at the top of the stairs to the station. As far as I'm concerned both of these people deserve housing, food, and medical care. And if they can't provide it for themselves, then it should be provided for them.

I guess I feel like shit bc I'm sorrowful for the loss of Julian and for this pathetic system of which I'm a part and of which I feel powerless to effect lasting change.

Ok. Now I'm cranky and sad.