The call of the wild.

About Fitzcarraldo:
"...Blank interviews members of the cast and crew, including the impoverished Indian extras, and captures the troubles of the seemingly cursed production, but his interviews with Herzog are the focal point of the film. "If I abandon this project," Herzog explains at one point, "I would be a man without dreams, and I never want to live like that. I live my life or I end my life with this project." ~ Josh Ralske, All Movie Guide All Movie Guide

About myself:
I'm living with a fair amount of agony in the wake of Julian's death. His suicide is yet another wake up call. This one will not go unheeded.

In 2 days I will embark on a month's-long project to finish a novel I began a while ago.

I'm leaving my job. I'll be living off savings. (But I've done this before.) I am living without fear. I wish I could say I'm living without sadness but that would be silly. Sadness isn't bad it's just that right now it pervades my being and weighs on my heart. And there is this ache in my body. I think my emotional body and my authentic self are screaming at me to get away from the square world, to leap headlong into the creative process.To delve deeper into my faith. This is the call of the wild.

I am ready.

Did you hear me?

I am ready.

There is no turning back. There is no treading water. To borrow from Herzog: "I would be a man without dreams, and I never want to live like that."

No more living without dreams.

Tonight: I'll drown my sorrow in alcohol and Isabelle Huppert. Well, not the actual woman. (Can you imagine?) I'll watch: Violette.

Lat night I drowned my sorrow in vodka, beer, and Andrew's cooking, after I invited myself over to his place.

Andrew and I spoke candidly about death. I told him I'd like to live to see more days but I'm ready to go.

He said, clutching the sofa cushion to illustrate hanging on for Dear Life, "I'm the sort of person who doesn't want to go. Sign me up for all the experimental treatments. I don't want to go."

I almost envy him. But then we argued about what's on the other side. I told him it's so beautiful and glorious there's no reason to fear death. He wasn't buying it. He said, "You're wrong." I shouted, "I hope I see you on the other side, just so I can say: See! I told you so." Can you imagine?

I plan to get the last laugh on him on this one.

It's really not death and dying that bothers me, it's how do I get through another day? How do I make the most of life? Or how do I accept what I've got an realize that whatever today was, that was the most of it?

Arrrgh!

To the wild life! The only one worth living.