Honesty

Lately I've become obsessed with honesty. I want to be immersed in honesty. I fear this is one of those instances where I've set the bar high, possibly too high, but as a Sag I don't have much choice in the matter.

I understand this obsession perfectly.

1. I've worn out a few other obsessions (They're threadbare and deserve a rest)

2. I've got a lot of time on my hands

3. I tend to be a bit "finely ground" when it comes to processing my inner workings

4. Life remains short and but I still have time to make up for past mistakes

Mind you, I'm not a particularly virtuous person but this thing around honesty just won't let go of me.

What's really going on is that a new-version of me is trying to be born. 

As a young man I was a complete ass. I cheated on every girlfriend I ever had. As I got older I realized that I'd left in my wake a lot of broken hearts and that was nothing to be proud of. There was something in me, something that was rooted in fear and infidelity was based on that. Promiscuity wasn't about lust. It was about cowardice.

It's never enough to have awareness -- I had to do some work on this. So I did.

And now I'm at a place where I've just got to be honest through and through. I'm willing to own all my mistakes. 

When I was taking the course at IIN one or two people said things that stuck in my mind for a really long time. One guest-speaker talked about love. But she was talking about feeling love on the cellular level. I'd never thought about that. It was possible for each and every one of my cells to be encoded with love. (That meant I had a lot of work to do in order to re-encode ALL my cells.)

One of the first things I did after hearing this was detox my liver and spleen. Then I set about visualizing and meditating on love. I saw all my cells as tiny bright, shiny lights. All silvery white and shimmering with love. I started that work 2 years ago and just now it's starting to pay dividends.

I mentioned that I wasn't going to go into detail about Steve Hermann's reading until the New Year but I've changed my mind on that. One of the ancestors who came through was my Scottish great-grandmother. I was a bit surprised that she came through as I rarely think of that side of the family. (Conversely, I'm always dreaming about my Italian ancestors.) For the purposes of this discourse I'll refer to her as Peg. 

Peg came through first. She was making a strong case for herself and rather insistent about a couple of things. One of the things she talked about was music. She said I wasn't supposed to listen to "80s pop music" and "no Joy Division." She wanted me to listen to classical music. She wanted me to surround myself with culture. (BTW: it was the reference to Joy Division that made me realize Steve was legit.)

And since I had a lot of free time this week and as I live in the World's Greatest City and as I'm on a budget -- I went in search of free culture. And I struck gold. Today I headed to Trinity Church for Concerts at One, featuring the Moscow String Quartet. I went to hear Shostakovich but came away a fan of Borodin.

Have I appeased one of my guides? I don't know. Maybe she'll appear in a dream and let me know that I did good.

But the point here is this: I was listening to Borodin String Quartet No. 2 in D Major, part III Notturno, Andante and all the light in my being was glowing silvery and I had my eyes closed, soaking up the vibes and I thought, "This is love." I suppose I should make the distinction between romantic love and Love. I think Love is sometimes found in romantic love, but Love is not something that I find in 80s pop music. I can go out and have a couple beers and dance for a few hours to 80s music and be super-happy but that won't bring me Love. The Moscow String Quartet, performing live is another story. They "bring it."

While I was listening to Shostakovich, String Quartet No. 4 in D Major, pt. IV Allegretto: I thought, "Damn, these women are rockin' this."

Really, I should be thanking Peg for this insistence that I stop being a chicken going for the cheap thrill and suck it up and go for the real thing.

Live performances of classical music fit in with slow cooked food, organic farming, and knowing that nothing matters but doing right by others anyway.

And this brings me back to honesty. It's not that I want to make up for past mistakes mainly because I'm not sure that can be done. Rather, honesty right now means that I can have a deeper, more complete life experience. Honesty is heartfelt, and highly portable and I can take that goodness all the way to my core and not suffer any nasty side-effects or contraindications.

And if I remain at this vibration, who knows what sort of deliciousness will head my way.