Give it up to G*d.

Life has been something of a blur lately. A nice, natural blur, but a blur nonetheless.

For a while I was contemplating the notion that life prepares you for the next step. They way things were going I feared I was being prepped for a polar expedition. I spent a week picking apples in the 30s and low-40s. Then I headed to Yestermorrow and slept in an unheated, uninsulated cabin that had only screens in the windows. When I woke up on Saturday morning the pond was frozen and there was a layer of ice on the grounds.

But I've finally learned how to pack to make life more comfortable. To Yestermorrow I brought: hiking boots, work boots, and snow boots. And I'm mighty glad I brought the snow boots otherwise Stump to Sticker (which was held outdoors) would have been an extremely uncomfortable experience.

Saturday night the outdoor temp was probably somewhere in the 20s and I realized that the farming made the apple picking possible and the apple picking made the sleeping outdoors possible.

And what is all of that making possible? I haven't got a clue.

The last recipe for sanity I used was one part 2666 and one part dessert. I had to stop reading 2666 when I got to, "The Part About the Killings." Roberto Bolano was creeping me out in the last 60 pages of the first part. I mean seriously creeping me out and I felt that to continue was to invite nightmares into my state of being. And even though I stopped reading the book I've had a couple of nightmares but I attribute them more to the fact that I'm in transition than to 2666.

I noticed that I was using apple picking as way to avoid dealing with life. I was pushing myself really hard in the orchard. Climbing ladders, filling bins, outpicking the other pickers by a mile. I was being really competitive. What's interesting is that about 5 weeks ago I wanted to do carpentry work because I could make good money per day. I'm now earning in half a day what a full day of carpentry paid. But it was starting to take its toll on my body. But I kind of liked that. I also knew that once I took my foot off the gas, I'd rest for a week and be in a better place.

Yesterday I was told there was no picking today. I was a bit miffed. But I knew it wasn't not-earning money that bugged me. It was Bob telling me I couldn't do something. It was someone else being in control of my life. I had been gathering leaves to make a ginormous compost pile in the backyard and literally sat down and went thorugh a little process. I think that what bugs me the most lately is loneliness. Last year I vowed to leave the lone-wolf lifestyle and then I find myself more deeper into that than I was before. At some point during the past summer I was stunned when I realized that I could feel so lonely living on a farm with someone else. But I wasn't connected to my farm partner in a way that worked. We weren't able to communicate about anything. He likes to procrastinate and I like to get things done. Just 2 weeks ago I said, "Let's include scallion in this weeks share." He said, "I'd rather wait." I said, "Suit yourslef."

Can I tell you? There was no reason to wait. The food was in the field ready to be harvested and distributed.

Anyway. Yesterday while I was in process, on the front lawn, rake to my left, piles of leaves to my right. My thoughts turned to the Dude (the Big Lebowski). Many times this past year I've thought about this one scene towards the end of the movie when the Dude realizes that his thinking is uptight. I have had to remind myself to not be uptight on at least a thousand occasions this past year. I'm naturally a high-strung person but that doesn't get me very far. And since I'm equally ambitious -- if greater gains are to be achieved by chilling out, then it's chilling out I mean to do.

After about ten minutes of process I stood up and resumed raking leaves. I left the uptight thinking to others. There's a lot to enjoy out here. And while it would be nice to share it with someone, if I've got to go it solo a bit longer, than so be it.

This morning I cleaned up a small dump that was unearthed during the improvement cutting. Nothing like starting up the day pulling up old tools and broken tv sets, and assorted other junk left by someone else on your property. (Dumping is rude, country-laziness.)

But I want to get back to my recipe for sanity: 2666 and dessert. I made a kick-ass pumpkin flan. When I decided to cure my ills with dessert I decided that I had to make desserts that I'd never made before. I also made something called a "cottage pudding." It was very English, sort of a cakey-thing with a lemon sauce. THe lemon sauce rocked but the cake was a bit heavy. The cottage pudding had nothing on the flan.

And this brings me to Yestermorrow and diet. This time when I took a class at Yestermorrow I wanted to sleep in a cabin and signed up for the meal plan. (There was no way I was going to be able to cook for myself as well as take a class.) The meal plan allowed me the opportunity to say good-bye to the wheat-fast but quick. I ate my face off. Breakfast Saturday morning featured eggs and bacon. Yum.

Lunches featured sandwiches and pizza and I knew that a couple of days of eating crap (wheat) wouldn't kill me but I also observed myself to see what I craved. Coca cola. I've eaten so many different types of foods and a conventional diet begets conventional eating. Slow-cooked whole foods tend to let me feel more balanced and I never crave sugar. I want sweet things but I don't want refined sugar. (Unless you are in the beginning of transitioning from conventional eating to whole food eating, one you make the switch you will almost never crave the garbage that's out there.) And what's more interesting once you eat slow-cooked, whole foods, when you go back to eating a candy bar or drinking soda, you can really sense how empty and lacking those foods are. I always feel that factory foods are spiritually bankrupt.

I don't want to knock the meal plan at Yestermorrow. There were a lot of great veggies (oddly -- prepared by the women; the dude who cooks there doesn't seem too keen on veggies). I could have eaten a slightly modified diet while I was on the meal plan but I need a lot of protein and it was only coming to me in the form of ham, beef, eggs, chicken. I made sure to eat a ton of veggies (some of which came from the garden at Yestermorrow).

I also noticed that I felt a feeling that's hard to describe. I just knew that the entire time I was eating the food at Yestermorrow I was thinking, "I'm going to need to do a cleanse next week."

My cleanse consisted of lots of water and steel-cut oatmeal, fruits, and vegetables.

Today is going to be day when I start to put my head back on my shoulders. I'm going to chill the f*ck out and let the Universe guide me. I'm going to give in to the Wisdom of a Force that is greater than I am. I'm also goign to take a nap.